So Much To Say: pregnancy

I'm not planning on returning to regular blogging anytime soon, but this was just one of those things I felt like needed a blog post versus just a Facebook post. So just for the sake of information here on the blog, I'll give you a quick recap of our last few months...

-On Christmas Eve we found out we were pregnant. It took us a long time to decide to try again and it was such perfect timing to find out that we were again.
-I saw the doctor and got a due date of September 2nd.
-At about 6 weeks I headed to the ER with some bleeding. We were terrified but after getting an exam and an ultrasound at the hospital, we found out that our little duck was still in there, still staying strong, with a steady heartbeat.
-At about 11 weeks, I started bleeding again. This time, much more badly. I thought FOR SURE I was miscarrying and it was very, very scary. But again after an exam and an ultrasound, we found out the baby still had a heartbeat. We also found out that I had a subchorionic hematoma (SCH), a blood clot near the baby that was causing me to bleed. After a follow-up with the doctor, we found out that we just had to hang tight, deal with the bleeding, and wait for the SCH to go away.
-After being seen about every 2-3 weeks for a few months, the SCH still has not gone away or decreased in size but our Little Duck is still hanging on, growing right on track, and giving us hope.
-We found out in at an Early Ultrasound Facility that we were expecting a GIRL! Chad and I are super excited. Jonah cried at first, but is now excited.

Our girl at 13 weeks, at our gender reveal ultrasound.

Jonah's favorite picture of her. He says he loves the "orange baby."

-I now see the doctor for a heartbeat check every two weeks to make sure baby girl is still maintaining a strong heartbeat and then every 4 weeks for an ultrasound to check on her growth and monitor the size of the SCH. My OB said that he has only seen one other patient with a SCH still present at birth, but he also teases me frequently about my inability to just have a normal pregnancy, so we'll see if I become number two or this thing really clears up. I am praying so hard that it does and that it doesn't impact our girl's growth!

My "baby bump" at 15 weeks.

Now, for the reason I'm writing this post. Her name.

Ever since we found out we were pregnant, there has been one name on the top of our girl list. Chad has loved it since we were talking about names with Jonah and has either been lukewarm or just flat-out hated every other name we come across. That name is...

Ellie.

It means "shining light" or "God is my light."

When I read the meaning of her name, that's when I fell in love with it. This girl is our light, just as God is our light, and we think it couldn't suit her better.

Her middle name will be...

Mareya.

It's pronounced Muh-ray-uh. Like Mariah but with an "aye" in the middle instead.

It means "miracle."

Each time we went in and thought I was miscarrying and then found out I wasn't, I'd say that she was our miracle. She definitely is our miracle and we think the whole name just has such a pretty ring to it.

Ellie Mareya

Our girl.

Our 16 week ultrasound.

4D view of our girl at 16 weeks.

I have been so excited about this day for WEEKS. Jonah and I picked out his big boy underwear (Cars and Toy Story) and we borrowed a few of the extra-padded Gerber ones from our buddy Maverick, for the first few days. We got extra potty seats (the kind you set in the big toilet), an extra stool, some plastic covers for going out and about, and Nana picked up some jelly beans (Jonah's favorite treat) for rewards. I showed him his underwear, talked it up for days, and last night, I told him that tomorrow we weren't wearing diapers anymore and that he finally would get to wear his big boy underwear!

I woke up this morning, with a game plan. Double-layered underwear (an extra-padded underneath and a cartoon character one on top so he would be motivated not to potty on them). Set the timer for every 15 minutes and at least go sit on the potty and try. Up the fluids so he could have a reason to potty. One jelly bean for pee and two jelly beans for poop, in the toilet of course. Ready, set, go!

I put him in his underwear as soon as he woke up and we started our timer, and our day. He went pee on the toilet, every time I put him on there for about two hours. I was feeling REALLY good.

And then, the first accident happened. It was kind of my fault, because I thought since he was doing so well, that I would let him try playing alone in his room for a little bit. Less than five minutes after I closed his door, I heard him yell potty and sure enough, he had peed in his underwear. From there on, we had three accidents in a row. Two of them being on the couch. AHHHH!

From then until nap time, he only had one or two accidents, but the seed of doubt and fear had been planted in my heart. You see, I struggle with really bad anxiety. It's a long story, that I'd love to share in full on here someday (or am almost always willing to talk about it in person). I'm on medication for it, but I guess the overwhelming nature of today (taking him to the potty every 5-15 minutes, bending over a lot and squatting a lot which was causing a lot of bad back pain, getting frustrated with Jonah when he kept having accidents or when he didn't feel like going potty again) just sparked that anxious, panicky, emotional feeling in me again and it scared me big time. It IS scaring me big time.

I think this is one of the first times since this anxiety came back (not long after I got pregnant) that I've felt this overwhelmed again. All I want to do is cry. Cry because I miss our carefree days of just playing, cleaning, running errands, going to friends houses, etc. etc. AND IT'S ONLY BEEN HALF A DAY OF DOING THIS! The logical side of me knows that it's gonna be okay. It's only his first day of doing this, for Pete's sake, and he needs extra grace and love. This is an even bigger change for him than it is for me! It sure can't be easy or particularly fun. And it's not going to last forever. My Momma always tells me that when I'm in the middle of a trying phase, whether it be sleep-training or teething or sickness or whatever. This too shall pass.

I think that's one of the most frustrating things about this "anxiety" that I suffer from. I feel like when it hits, it hits HARD. There is no middle-ground where it just picks at me a little and it's more annoying than it is overwhelming. When I feel anxious, I immediately want to give up. Drop it all, go back to how it was before, and never ever change anything again. But you know what? That's not life. That's not how it works. I need to strengthen my "anxiety muscles." I need to build up my mind, soul, spirit and heart muscles so that when IT hits, I can say to myself "This is tough. No lie. But I can and I will get through this. It will get better. I will survive...and not only survive, but be happy! I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me...whether it be depression or potty-training, budget-issues or road rage, attitude problems from toddlers or fights with my husband, not having the energy to clean the house or not having the motivation." He is with me in the little and the big, and I've got to get better at remembering that when I feel good and when I don't.

I'm so thankful He doesn't give up when the going gets tough, because chicken-little, mere-human me, wants to. I'm so thankful that He isn't human so that He can hold me up when my strength is lacking. Even when it's over something silly like Day 1 of potty training.

So pray for us as we continue on this potty-training journey. Jonah really is doing a pretty good job. Right now, he can pee/poop on the toilet when the timer goes off and reminds him too, but he can't remember to do it on his own. We'll get there...right?? :)

And just to end this on a happy note, here's a few recent photos of my Bug and I few things I love SO much about him.